PICKWICK
TYMES
1812 WAR
WITH REQUEST FROM OUR ESTEEMED READERS OF THE PICKWICK TYMES, TO THE 1812 WAR WITH AMERICA, I ENCLOSE SAID DICTION OF EVENTS APPERTAINING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF WASHINGTON’S CIVIC BUILDINGS OF GOVERNMENT.
THE BATTLE OF BLADENBURG
THUS THE AMERICANS LEARNT, BY FATAL EXPERIENCE, THAT INVASION WAS AN UNSAFE POLICY, WHICH RECOILED UPON THEMSELVES WITH DISASTROUS EFFECTS, HAVING INVADED CANADA WHEN NAPOLEON WAS AT HIS HEIGHT NOW VANQUISHED; THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT WAS RESOLVED TO CARRY ON HOSTILITIES IN AMERICA MORE CONSISTENT WITH THE POWER AND DIGNITY OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST A FORCE OF 4000 MEN BEING VETERANS OF WELLINGTONS ARMY WERE DISPATCHED TO CANADA, COMMANDED BY TWO OFFICERS OF VIGOUR, COURAGE AND JUDGEMENT; GENERAL ROSS COMMANDING THE LAND FORCES, AND ADMIRAL COCKBURN THE FLEET, THEIR MANDATE WAS TO INTIMIDATE THE AMERICANS BY STRIKING A BLOW AT WASHINGTON-THE NOMINAL CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES.
A HINT THAT THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT CONTEMPLATED SUCH AN ENTERPRISE, HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BY INCAUTIOUS MEANS (SPY), THUS INTELLIGENCE WAS BOUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF PRESIDENT MADISON WHO, ON THE 1st JULY SUBMITTED A PLAN FOR THE MILITIA TO BE READIED, ON THE 4th JULY, PRESIDENT MADISON MADE HIS ADDRESS TO THE UNION-CALLING 93,500 MILITIA TO ARMS, BUT HIS MILITIA MEN LISTENED MORE TO THE COUNCIL OF PRUDENCE THAN COURAGE, BEING NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
THE BRITISH TOOK POSSESSION OF TANGIERS ISLAND, FROM WHENCE THEY SENT, INVITATIONS TO THE NEGRO SLAVES-EMANCIPATION, “THIS THEIR PRIZE”. SEVENTEEN HUNDRED RESPONDED TO THIS CALL; WITH GREAT MERIT SUSTAINED TO THE BRITISH FORCE.
WASHINGTON IS APPROACHED FROM THE BAY OF CHESAPEAKE BY THE RIVERS POTOMAC AND PATUXENT; ADMIRAL COCKBURN SAILED,, HAVING GENERAL ROSS AND HIS TROOP'S ON BOARD, ENTERED THE LATTER RIVER, WITH INTELLIGENCE THAT THE AMERICAN FLOTILLA UNDER COMMODORE BARNEY WERE IN EVIDENCE, REACHING PIG POINT THE BRITISH PERCEIVED THE AMERICAN FLAG FLYING ON A SLOOP WITH SIXTEEN OTHER SHIPS IN EVIDENCE, STRIKING THE DRUM; BUT TO OUR AMAZEMENT THEY HAD ALL BEEN ABANDONED WITH FIRES ABLAZE, THEIR PLOY TO CAUSE HAVOC TO THE BRITISH FLEET, LUCKILY THIS WAS DISCOVERED, WITH EIGHT SHIPS SAVED AS PRIZES. ADMIRAL COCKBURN SAID THEIR WAY AHEAD IS OPEN; WITH THE AMERICAN FLEET NO MORE AND WASHINGTON COMPLETELY DEFENCELESS, WITH A FORCE OF 3,850 REGULARS AND TWO HUNDRED SAILORS, LANDING AT BENEDICT, PUSHING FORWARD TO BLANDENBURG, THE AMERICAN ARMY UNDER GENERAL WINDER WERE STATIONED HAVING 11,400 MEN BEING IN POSITION TWENTY SIX GUNS; WITH THE BRITISH HAVING ONLY TWO GUNS, HAVING MORE THAN DOUBLE THE BRITISH FORCE, THE AMERICANS FIGHTING NOT ONLY TO REPEL THE INVADER, BUT ALSO THE PRESERVATION AND DIGNITY OF THEIR CAPITAL CITY WHICH SYMBOLISED THE POWER OF THE WHOLE REPUBLIC; THEY COULD BE ANYTHING BUT SUCCESSFUL.
THE BATTLE OF BLANDENBURG-THOUGH IT BETTER DESERVES THE NAME OF ROUT THAN BATTLE-TOOK PLACE ON 24th OF AUGUST A.D. 1814 SCARCELY LASTING HALF AN HOUR, IN ORDER TO ADVANCE THE BRITISH HAD TO CROSS THE RIVER POTOMAC BY A SINGLE BRIDGE, ALL THE APPROACHES BEING COVERED BY THE AMERICAN CANNON, GENERAL ROSS DIVIDED HIS TROOP'S INTO TWO COLUMNS, AND GAVE ORDERS TO ATTACK, ONE COLUMN UNDER THE COMMAND OF COLONEL THORNTON, ADVANCING RAPIDLY THROUGH THE FIRE, DASHED ACROSS THE BRIDGE AND CARRIED A FORTIFIED HOUSE AT THE FAR END. THE OTHER COLUMN UNDER COLONEL BROOKE, THEN CROSSED, AND THE TWO ATTACKED THE RIGHT AND LEFT OF THE AMERICANS AT THE SAME MOMENT, THE AMERICAN UNPRACTISED TROOP'S, WITH THE UNDISCIPLINED MILITIA WERE NO EQUAL TO WELLINGTONS VETERAN REGULARS, THE CANON WERE CARRIED, WITH THEIR TWO FRONT COLUMNS PUSHED ASIDE BY ONE COLUMN OF BRITISH TROOP'S, THE AMERICAN ARMY ASTONISHED TOOK TO FLIGHT, NOT STOPPING UNTIL THEY REACHED THE HEIGHTS OF GEORGETOWN, LEAVING THEIR CANNON AND STORES TO THE BRITISH; IN THIS ROUT AS THEY CASCADED THROUGH WASHINGTON LOOTING, AND IN VEXATION ROBBING EACH OTHER, PURSUIT WAS NOT ATTEMPTED BY THE BRITISH, HAVING NO CAVALRY, ALSO THE MEN WERE EXHAUSTED, IT BEING A VERY HOT DAY. THE BRITISH LOSSES WERE FIFTY ONE KILLED, AND 115 WOUNDED, MOSTLY BY AMERICAN CANNON ON THE CROSSING. THE AMERICAN LOSSES IN THE ACTUAL BATTLE BEING ABOUT TWO HUNDRED, WITH ALSO NEAR TO FOUR HUNDRED WOUNDED, IN THEIR FLIGHT HUNDREDS MORE WHERE EITHER KILLED OR WOUNDED.
BEFORE THE ARRIVAL OF THE BRITISH, PRESIDENT MADISON REVIEWED HIS TROOP’S WITH VIGOUR, THE AMERICAN TROOP’S DELIGHTED BY HIS HEROIC LANGUAGE, WHENCE THE ACTION COMMENCED THE PRESIDENT TOOK HIS POSITION ON A HILL TO WITNESS THE DEFEAT OF THE BRITISH, SEEING HIS TROOP’S IN DISARRAY, WITH THE BRITISH PUSHING HARD, THE PRESIDENT SOUGHT SAFETY IN FLIGHT, TO QUOTE ONE OF HIS FELLOW COUNTRYMAN “NOT ALL THE ALLUREMENTS OF FAME, NOT ALL THE OBLIGATIONS OF DUTY, NOR THE SOLEMN INVOCATIONS OF HONOUR”, COULD EXCITE A SPARK OF COURAGE; THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WAS MORE PRECIOUS THAN HIS COUNTRIES HONOUR WITH A FALTERING VOICE HE EXCLAIMED TO HIS GENERALS ARMSTRONG AND MUNRON LET US GO, HE NARROWLY MADE HIS ESCAPE WITH THE WHOLE EXECUTIVE CORPS OF GOVERNMENT, IN TWO MINUTES THE 45th REGIMENT OF FOOT ( NOTTS)WOULD HAVE RECEIVED A GREAT PRIZE.
AFTER THE BATTLE GENERAL ROSS ALLOWED HIS MEN TWO HOURS TO REST, THE MARCH WAS THEN RESUMED; AND ABOUT EIGHT IN THE EVENING, THE BRITISH TROOP’S ARRIVED IN THE CONFINES OF WASHINGTON ON AN OPEN EXPANSE, TWO THOUSAND BILLETING THERE WITH THE REMAINDER WITH GENERAL ROSS AND ADMIRAL COCKBURN ENTERED WASHINGTON, AS IF NEEDLESSLY TO INFURIATE THE BRITISH, A VOLLEY WAS FIRED FROM THE WINDOWS OF A HOUSE, WHICH KILLED ONE SOLDIER, WOUNDING THREE OTHERS, THEY WERE SOON SEIZED, WITH THE SAID HOUSE BEING SET ON FIRE, GENERAL ROSS WHO’S FAVOURITE HORSE WAS ALSO KILLED; RANSOM WAS OFFERED TO THE AMERICANS FOR THE CITY, WHICH WAS DECLINED.
ACCORDINGLY THE NEXT MORNING THE SENATE HOUSE-TREASURY-WAR OFFICE, PRESIDENTS PALACE (THE WHITE HOUSE), AND THE BRIDGE ACROSS THE POTOMAC WERE SET TO THE FLAMES, GENERAL ROSS WITH HIS COMPANIONS IN ARMS, DRANK TO THE HEALTH OF THE PRINCE REGENT OF ENGLAND IN THE SAID PALACE. THE AMERICANS HAVING SET FIRE TO ALL THEIR AMMUNITION STORES. PRIVATE PROPERTY WAS RESPECTED AND THE INHABITANTS OF THE CITY LEFT TO THEIR MISERY.
MR. GALES AN IRISH NEWSPAPER EDITOR WAS MOST NOTORIOUS OF HIS HOSTILITY TO THE BRITISH, PUBLISHED SAID OUTRAGES BY THE BRITISH, BUT MOSTLY COMMITTED BY RETREATING AMERICAN MILITIA, WHEN THE BRITISH LEISURELY MARCHED TO THEIR SHIPS WITH NO OPPOSITION. THE SAID PRESIDENT MADISON DID EXCLAIM POMPOUSLY “LET US WITH DETERMINATION EXPEL THESE INVADERS“, IT WOULD SEEM HE HAD QUITE FORGOTTEN THAT IS WAS ENTIRELY IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE CONTINUED ATTEMPTS OF THE AMERICANS ON THE BRITISH POSSESSION OF CANADA.
CONCLUSION
DURING THIS WAR THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT HAD MADE OVERTURES OF RECONCILIATION, THIS WAS REGARDED AS WEAKNESS BY THE AMERICANS, WITH THE FALL OF NAPOLEON, THE FULL MIGHT OF THE BRITISH WAS EXERTED ON THE AMERICANS, THE BRITISH HAVING SUFFERED FOR A GENERATION WAR, THE ROYAL NAVY BLOCKADE, HAD STRANGLED AMERICAN COMMERCE, WITH OVER 1000 SHIPS BEING TAKEN OR SUNK, ITS TRADE RUINED, PRIOR TO THE WAR AMERICAN TRADE WAS £28,000,000 IN EXPORTS AND £32,000,000 OF IMPORTS; IN A.D. 1814 HAD SUNK TO THE FORMER £1,4000.000 AND THE LATER LESS THAN £3.000,000. THE ORDINARY TRADE OF THE STATES, ARISING FROM CUSTOMS, HAD DISAPPEARED, HEAVY TAXES HAD TO BE LEVIED, WITH TWO THIRDS OF THE TRADING CLASSES BEING INSOLVENT, WITH THE STATES OF MASSACHUSETTS, CONNECTICUT AND NEW ENGLAND, SHRINKING FROM IMPENDING RUIN, WERE TAKING STEPS TO BREAK OFF FROM THE UNION, AND MAKE SEPARATE PEACE WITH GREAT BRITAIN.
A TREATY OF PEACE WAS SIGNED ON THE 24th DECEMBER A.D. 1814. TO GREAT JOY BY THE AMERICANS, ALSO THE MANUFACTURING TOWNS OF GREAT BRITAIN WHO'S TRADE HAD ALSO SLUMPED SHARPLY. COMPENSATION WAS LEVIED BY THE BRITISH TO THE AMERICANS FOR HOSTILITIES IN CANADA, WHICH WERE PAID WITH DIGNITY. WE BEING AS PRESIDENT MADISON SAID “ONE COMMON LANGUAGE, ONE LAW, AND ONE COMMON ANCESTRY, NEVER AGAIN MAY WE BY SPECTACLE SEE OUR TWO GREAT NATIONS TROOP’S ARRAYED IN DEADLY STRIFE AGAINST EACH OTHER“.
OLDE HUMPHREY'S OBSERVATIONS
WHILST RECOVERING FROM INJURIES SUSTAINED, FRUSTRATING GORING’S PLAN TO DECIMATE THE R.A.F. IN BETWIXT APPLICATIONS OF SKIN FROM MY LOWER TORSO TO HANDS AND FACE; I REFLECTED THE FOLLOWING, DEAR READER PLEASE FORGIVE ABBREVIATIONS AS I SOMETIMES WITH THIS ENFORCED INERTIA ARE MOST REBELLIOUS, NOW LETS UNFOLD THESE MEMORIES.
IT COULD WELL BE ARGUED THAT THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN WAS WON BY A BRITISH PLANE IN THE YEAR A.D. 1927 FOR IN THAT YEAR OVER THE SKIES OF VENICE ‘THE SCHNEIDER TROPHY’ A RACE FOR SEAPLANES WAS BEING BATTLED OUT. THIS RACE WAS WON BY A BRITISH SUPER MARINE, IF YOU DO NOT RECOGNISE ITS NAME, ITS LINEAR DESCENDANT BEING THE SPITFIRE, WHICH WITH THE CLEAR BLUE SKIES, OF THAT FATEFUL SUMMER A.D. 1940 REPELLED THE INVADER.
THE JACQUES SCHNIEDER TROPHY OF A.D. 1913 WAS TO ENCOURAGE THE ADVANCEMENT OF SEA PLANES, IN THOSE EARLY DAYS IT WAS BELIEVED THAT PLANES WITH FLOATS WOULD PLAY A SUBSTANTIAL CONTRIBUTION ON LONG HAUL FLIGHTS, THE RACE WAS FLOWN ON A TRIANGULAR FORMAT, WITH MACHINES BEING ANCHORED THE NIGHT BEFORE ON THE SEA TO DISPLAY THEIR VERSATILITY AND RESILIENCE, RESULTS OF THIS RACE OVER THE YEARS WAS OF SPEED, FRANCE WON IN A.D. 1913 - 45 m.p.h. BRITAIN WON IT A YEAR LATER AT 86 m.p.h. THE GREAT WAR INTERVENED IN WHICH SPEEDS INCREASED, IT WAS NOT TILL A.D. 1920 THE RACE RESUMED, WITH ITALY WINNING AT 107 m.p.h. AMERICAN, ITALIAN AND BRITISH VICTORIES BOUGHT THE SPEEDS UP TO 246 m.p.h. BY A.D. 1926. THEN IN A.D. 1927 CAME THE YEAR OF BRITAIN'S TRIUMPH, AND THE INSPIRATION IT GAVE OUR AERO INDUSTRY; FOR THIS COMING RACE THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT GAVE ITS FULL BACKING, WITH THE R.A.F. FORMING A SPECIAL HIGH SPEED FLIGHT FOR THE SCHNIEDER TROPHY, ENTERING TWO SUPER MARINES AND A GLOSTER, WITH HAND PICKED PILOTS AND MECHANICS TRAINING AT CALSHOT, LEARNING ALL THE TRICKS OF THE MACHINES TO GET ROUND THE MARKERS OF THIS TRIANGULAR COURSE.
STABLED AT THE START WERE ALSO THREE ITALIAN PLANES, WHOSE PILOTS SOON REALIZED THIS WAS GOING TO BE A CLOSE RUN THING! WITH THESE SLEEK POWERFUL MACHINES THE R.A.F. HAD PRESENTED, SUDDENLY ALL PLANES WERE AIRBORNE THE ROAR OF THEIR ENGINES THUNDERING AGAINST THE WALLS OF THE FOUR CENTURIES OLD ‘DOGE’S PALACE’, ALL THE MONTHS OF PLANNING AND TRAINING - THE RACE WAS OVER IN SEVERN MINUTES!, FLIGHT LIEUTENANT WEBSTER, IN HIS SUPER MARINE S5, HAD GLIDED TO VICTORY AT A SPEED OF 281-68 m.p.h., IT BEING NOT A CONCLUSION BUT A START OF FURTHER VICTORIES, WHICH IN A.D. 1931 THE SAME FAMILY OF PLANES TRIUMPHED YET AGAIN AT 340-08 m.p.h.
BEHIND ALL THESE SUCCESSES WAS A QUIET ENGLISHMAN, REGINALD JOSEPH MITCHELL, CHIEF ENGINEER AT THE VICKERS AVIATION WORKS, MITCHELL VISITED GERMANY OFTEN, REALIZING THE COMING STRENGTH OF THE LUFTWAFFE, HE RETURNED TO BRITAIN DETERMINED TO DESIGN A PLANE THAT COULD MEET THIS THREAT.
THE SPITFIRE WAS BORN, BUT MITCHELL DIED IN A.D. 1937 NEVER TO SEE THE EXTENT OF HIS TRIUMPH’ A VERY SAD CIRCUMSTANCE. MITCHELL BEING A NATIVE OF STAFFORDSHIRE.
WHISTLER’S WHISPER
IT IS WITH ATTENTION TO OUR INTEREST THAT FROM OUR EARLY YEARS, WE STRIVE FOR NOTICE i.e. SHOUTING, WAVING ARMS OR AS TEMPERANCE DICTATES WE SMILE TO GREET FROM AFAR.
NOT UNTIL A.D. 1767 NO ONE HAD PUT AN ALPHABET TO ARM SIGNALLING, UNTIL A MOST COMMODIOUS ENGLISHMAN INVENTED A SEMAPHORE [FROM THE GREEK - SEMA=MEANING A ‘SIGN‘, AND PHORA=MEANING ‘CARRYING’].
SIR THESEUS ABSALOM EDGEWORTH WAS A MOST PRESTIGIOUS OWNER OF BLOODSTOCK, WHO WAS INVOLVED WITH THOROUGHBRED’S, RACING, BREEDING AT THE VERY INCEPTION OF WHAT NOW WE CALL ‘GOING TO THE RACES’, BUT WHEN FEVERS OF THE BLOOD INCAPACITATED HIS ENERGY [DRINK], THE NAMES OF HIS WINNERS WERE SIGNALLED BY RELAY SEMAPHORE TO HIM AT HIS BEDROOM WINDOW, OR AS HE LAMENTED HIS ‘HALL OF RESTRAINT’, NOT MUCH NOTICE WAS TAKEN OF THIS INVENTION UNTIL THE NAPOLEONIC TIMES A.D. 1798, WHEN A YOUNG MIDSHIPMAN (COLLINGWOOD) CONVEYED THIS TO THE ADMIRALTY, IN HASTE OR ABEYANCE TO STRINGENCIES OF WAR, THEY INSTALLED THE SAID SYSTEM EVERY EIGHT MILES FROM PORTSMOUTH TO LONDON, THUS A MESSAGE WAS CONVEYED IN THREE MINUTES, THE HILLS WHERE THESE STATIONS WERE SIGHTED, STILL RETAIN THE NAME ‘TELEGRAPH HILL’.
SO NOW WE TREAD THE PATH OF EVOLUTION TO A.D. 1818, SIR FRANCIS RONALD PRODUCED THE FIRST ‘ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH SYSTEM’, THAT WORKED TWO CLOCKS MILES APART, WHICH HAD LETTERS INSCRIBED AROUND THE WHEEL CARRYING THE SECONDS HAND, EACH LETTER PRESENTING ITSELF, WHENCE AN IMPULSE WAS SENT THROUGH A WIRE TO MAGNETICALLY TRANSPOSE THE LETTERS.
DEAR READERS WITH YOUR GOOD GRACE MAY I DECLARE THAT CONTRARY TO THE HOLLYWOOD MEDIA’S BOAST OF AN AMERICAN INVENTING THE ‘ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH’, THEY WERE SOMEWHAT LATE, NOW TO A.D. 1832 WHEN CHARLES WHEATSTONE AND CHARLES COOK INSTALLED A TELEGRAPH SYSTEM ON THE ‘GREAT WESTERN RAILWAY’, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE, PAYING A PENNY TO WITNESS THIS MARVEL OF INTREPID DESIGN AT PADDINGTON STATION.
ENGLISH WOMAN WHO RULED THE ARABS
THE FACT THAT DOCTOR MERYON WAS TIRED WAS NOT SURPRISING, HE HAD BEEN ON HIS FEET FOR MORE THAT TWO HOURS NOW, LISTENING TO LADY STANHOPE, WHILE SHE LECTURED HIM ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS OF INTEREST; RANGING FROM HER VIEWS ON A DOCTOR’S PLACE IN SOCIETY, TO HER DOGMATIC ASSERTION ON THE SUPERIORITY OF ARABIA.
THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT THE DOCTOR THOUGHT TIREDLY, LADY STANHOPE HAD MANY ADMIRABLE QUALITIES, BUT BEING A GOOD LISTENER WAS NOT ONE OF THEM, STIFLING A YAWN, HE GAZED AROUND THE ROOM, TAKING IN FIRST THE ORIENTAL FURNITURE, ALSO THE SYRIAN SERVANTS KNEELING RESPECTFULLY ON EACH SIDE OF LADY STANHOPE, WHO WAS HAPPILY PUFFING AWAY AT A PIPE’ SUDDENLY THE DOCTOR BEGAN TO FEEL FAINT AS HE STOOD LISTENING, STILL TRYING TO FOLLOW LADY STANHOPE’S TIRADE OF VIEWS, WHO WAS NOW DISCOURSING ON THE TERRIBLE STATE, AND DISGRACEFUL POLITICAL LEADERSHIP IN BRITAIN, STILL BEING CONSCIOUS OF HER VOICE GRINDING ON, WHEN HE SLIPPED TO THE FLOOR.
IT WAS RECORDED THAT LADY STANHOPE WAS CONVINCED HER REVELATIONS ABOUT BRITAIN’S SAD STATE WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE GOOD DOCTOR, NOT THINKING THAT SHE WAS RESPONSIBLE AT ALL; HELPED THE DOCTOR TAKE HIS EASE. THIS INCIDENT OCCURRED A.D. 1819 IN LADY STANHOPE'S HOUSE ON THE SLOPES OF MT. LEBANON, WITHOUT PROBING AN ASSUMPTION THAT SHE WAS AN ECCENTRIC, WHAT LIFTS HER ABOVE MOST OF THE OTHER PICTURESQUE ECCENTRICS OF WHICH BRITAIN ABOUNDS, BORN AT CHEVENING, KENT ON MARCH 12th A.D. 1776 ELDEST DAUGHTER OF THE 3rd EARL STANHOPE, HESTER LUCY STANHOPE LED A CONVENTUAL LIFE UNTIL A.D. 1803 WHEN SHE CAME TO THE ATTENTION OF HER UNCLE, WILLIAM PITT, WHO WAS PRIME MINISTER, ATTRACTED BY HER INTELLIGENCE HE ASKED HER TO ACT AS SECRETARY, BEING ONE OF THE JUNIOR MINISTERS IN PARLIAMENT, BUT LATER HER SERVICES BEING DISPENSED WITH AFTER PITTS DEATH, ‘BECAUSE ITS BELIEVED OF HER BOMBASTIC CHARACTER’ SHE RETIRED TO WALES WHERE SHE REMAINED TILL A.D. 1810, DECIDING SHE HAD BURNT OUT HER FAVOUR IN ENGLAND, SHE SET OFF FOR THE EAST WITH ALL THE CASUALNESS OF A MODERN TOURIST TAKING A TRIP TO PARIS.
WITH TWO MAN SERVANTS, ONE MAID SHE LEFT THESE SHORES FOR EVER, TAKING PASSAGE TO EGYPT, BUT BEING SHIPWRECKED OFF RHODES ‘IT BEING RUMOURED SHE WAS RESTRAINED IN HER CABIN’ FOR INTERFERING WITH THE SHIPS ORDER, SURVIVED WITH HER SERVANTS MAKING HER WAY BY PILGRIMAGE TO JERUSALEM, WITH AN EVER GROWING COMPANY OF SERVANTS, HER CONFIDENCE DID NOT DESERT HER, THEN BLITHELY CROSSED THE DESERT TO A BEDOUIN ENCAMPMENT, THE ARABS HAVE NEVER BEEN KINDLY DISPOSED TO STRANGERS, BUT LADY STANHOPE MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION ON THESE FIERCE TRIBESMEN. IN NO TIME AT ALL, SHE WAS PRESIDING OVER THE ENCAMPMENT AS ITS NATURAL RULER!. MOVING ON, NO DOUBT TO THE GREAT RELIEF OF THE TRIBESMEN, SHE EVENTUALLY SETTLED WITH HER BAND OF FOLLOWERS AMONG THE SEMI-SAVAGE DRUSES, ON THE SLOPES OF MOUNT LEBANON, RAPIDLY SHE WAS INTRODUCED TO THE ‘PASHA OF ACRE’, WHO SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN AS EASILY INTIMIDATED AS OTHER ARABS HAD BEEN.
WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST DEMUR, HE HANDED OVER TO HER A DISUSED CONVENT WITH A SMALL VILLAGE, WHICH SHE PROMPTLY CONVERTED INTO A WALLED FORTRESS, THIS STRANGE GIFT SHE HAD FOR COMMENDING FEAR AND RESPECT WORKED HERE AS WELL, CONVINCED SHE WAS SOME SORT OF PROPHETESS, THE SAVAGE DRUSES HUMBLY ACCEPTED HER ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY; LADY HESTER'S DOMINANT PERSONALITY WHICH WAS CAPABLE OF QUELLING THE MOST REBELLIOUS DISPOSITION, ON THE OTHER HAND THERE WAS NO DOUBT THAT SHE COMMANDED A GREAT DEAL OF RESPECT FROM PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT UNDER HER AUSPICES.
IN THE END HER RECKLESS SPENDING TO MAINTAIN HER ‘COURT’ PLACED HER IN SO MUCH DEBT THAT LORD PALMERSTON SEQUESTED THE BULK OF THE PENSION THAT PITT HAD BEQUESTED, TO PAY HER CREDITORS, FROM THEN ON HER POWER WANED, UNTIL LEFT WITH ONLY A HANDFUL OF RETAINERS THE NEWS OF HER ILLNESS CAME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE BRITISH CONSUL AT BEIRUT, WHO RODE OVER THE MOUNTAINS TO SEE HER IN THE COMPANY OF AN AMERICAN MISSIONARY, THEY ARRIVED TOO LATE, LADY HESTER DIED ON JUNE 23rd A.D. 1839, HER FUNERAL WAS AS DRAMATIC, AS THE HOUR OF MIDNIGHT WAS STRUCK HER BODY WAS INTERNED IN HER TOMB WITH GRACEFUL SERENITY WITH THE BRITISH CONSUL IN ATTENDANCE.
THE BETEL PALM
SIR W. LAWRENCE PUBLISHED IS PAPERS IN A.D. 1819, BEING ON A MOST COMMODIOUS SUBJECT OF ‘PHYSIOLOGY, ZOOLOGY - AND NATURAL HISTORY OF MAN’, EXTOLLING THE ANCIENTS AS IS WITNESS ‘ALCMAEON OF CROTON 500 B.C.’ STUDIED ANIMALS, THALES OF MILETUS 600 B.C. CONSIDERED WATER AS ‘FOUNTAIN OF LIFE’, EMPEDOCLES OF AGRIGENTUM 430 B.C. REGARDED BLOOD AS LIFE ITSELF. ANAXIMANDER, GREEK PHILOSOPHER 546 B.C. HIS THEORY BEING EVOLUTION, THE NATURAL WORLD WAS GOVERNED BY LAWS OF ‘ANTITHEAS’ (EARTH, FIRE, WATER AND AIR) ALL BEGAN WITH FISH, WITH MAN EVOLVING FROM HEAT AND WATER.
THUS ON HIS TRAVELS IN SOUTH EAST ASIA, SAYING ‘I OBSERVED NATIVES CHEWING LEAVES OF THE BETEL PEPPER ‘CHAVICA’’, WITH THE ARECA OR BETEL ‘NUT’ AN ASTRINGENT SEED PRODUCED BY THE BETEL OR PENANG PALM, KNOWN ALSO AS CUTCH ‘ARECA CATECHU’. THE LEAVES OF THE SAID PEPPER AND A SLICE OF THE NUT ARE CHEWED WITH A PINCH OF LIME, THIS COMBINATION STIMULATING THE FLOW OF SALIVA, WHICH TURNS BRIGHT RED AND STAINS THE TEETH AND SKIN DEEPLY; WHENCE SWALLOWED, IT PRODUCED A STATE OF MILD INTOXICATION FERMENTING TO A PROPHECY BY THE SAID INCUMBENT!.
THE BETEL PEPPER IS A TRAILING OR CLIMBING SHRUB WITH LARGE ALTERNATE LEAVES AND SMALL FLOWERS (EITHER GENDER) GROWING ON LONG DROOPING STRINGS, THE LEAVES CONTAIN AN ESSENTIAL OIL, ONE OF THE CONSTITUENTS OF WHICH IS CHAVICOL; WHEN THE LEAVES ARE CHEWED BY THEMSELVES THEY TEND TO WHITEN AND PRESERVE ONE’S TEETH, AN ANTISEPTIC RESEMBLING PHENOL (CARBOLIC ACID) IS EXTRACTED FROM CHAVICOL.
THE BETEL PALM IS A NATIVE OF INDIA AND GROWS TO A HEIGHT OF ABOUT 30 FT. ITS HANDSOME LIGHT GREEN LEAVES ARE OFTEN 6 FT. IN LENGTH AND HAVE LEAFLETS FROM 1-2 FT. LONG, THE FRUIT IS AS BIG AS A HEN’S EGG. HAVING A THICK ORANGE COLOURED RIND, CONTAINING A CONICAL SEED, MISCALLED A ‘NUT’, ABOUT THE SIZE OF A NUTMEG, AN EXTRACT OF THE BETEL NUT, CALLED ‘CATECHU’ IS RICH IN TANNIN, BEING USED IN TANNING OR DYEING COTTON A FAST BROWN, TREATED WITH NITRIC ACID, IT YIELDS A BRILLIANT YELLOW DYE, CATECHU IS ALSO DERIVED FROM SEVERAL OTHER SPECIES, INCLUDING MIMOSA CATECHU, THE GAMBIAN CATECHU, AND ACACIA CATECHU.
THE BETEL PALM SWEEPS THE HORIZON WITH GRACE, ITS BLADES FLOWING, WHICH CAN HYPNOTISE ONE’S SENSES, I RECOMMEND THIS PALM WITH RECTITUDE.
MORPHEUS
IF AFTER EXERCISE WE FEED SPARINGLY, THE DIGESTION WILL BE EASY AND GOOD, THE BODY LIGHTSOME, THE TEMPER CHEERFUL, AND ALL THE ANIMAL FUNCTIONS PERFORMED AGREEABLY; SLEEP WHEN IT FOLLOWS, WILL BE NATURAL AND UNDISTURBED, WHILE INDOLENCE, WITH FULL FEEDING, OCCASIONS NIGHTMARES AND HORRORS TO OUR MISFORTUNE.
ALLEGORY
OBSERVE, HOWEVER THAT THE QUANTITIES OF FOOD AND EXERCISE ARE RELATIVE INSTRUMENTS, THOSE WHO MOVE MUCH MAY, AND INDEED OUGHT TO EAT MORE, THOSE WHO USE LITTLE EXERCISE SHOULD CORRESPOND TO EAT LITTLE; IN GENERAL MANKIND, SINCE THE IMPROVEMENT OF COOKERY, EAT ABOUT TWICE AS MUCH AS NATURE REQUIRE; CLEAR WATER, AT LEAST TWO PINTS DAILY SHOULD BE SUCCOURED TO THE BODY, SO THE WATER TABLE IS REFRESHED, TOXIC JUICES IN GREAT QUANTITY DO MORE HARM, AND DISTEMPER, BUT DO ENHANCE A GOODLY SENSE OF WELL-BEING.
DISCOURSE
OFTEN NEGLECTED, BUT OF IMMINENT IMPORTANCE IS HAVING A CONSTANT SUPPLY OF FRESH AIR IN THE BED CHAMBER, IT HAS BEEN A LATENT MISTAKE SLEEPING IN ROOMS EXACTLY CLOSED; NO OUTWARD AIR THAT MAY COME INTO YOU IS SO UNWHOLESOME, AS THE UNCHANGED AIR OFTEN BREATHED OF A CLOSED CHAMBER, AS BOILING WATER WILL NOT GROW HOTTER BY LONGER BOILING, IF THE PARTICLES THAT RECEIVE GREATER HEAT CAN ESCAPE, SO LIVING BODIES (GERMS) DO NOT PUTREFY IF THE PARTICLES, AS FAST AS THEY BECOME PUTRID, CAN BE EXPELLED NATURE VOMITS THEM VIA THE NOSE AND LUNGS, WHILST IN A FREE OPEN AIR THEY ARE DISPELLED, BUT IN A CLOSED ROOM WE RECEIVE THEM AGAIN AND AGAIN, THOUGH THEY BECOME MORE AND MORE CORRUPT WITH USAGE.
ANALOGUE
AS THE TRAUMATIC EVENT IN THE BLACK HOLE OF CALCUTTA, WHICH RENDERED THE INTERNED MORTAL, A SINGLE PERSON IS SAID TO SPOIL A GALLON OF AIR PER MINUTE, AND THEREFORE REQUIRES A LONGER PERIOD TO POLLUTE A CHAMBER FULL, IT IS DONE, HOWEVER OF KINDLY IGNORANCE, WITH MANY PUTRID DISORDERS HENCE HAVE THEIR CONCEPTION, THE COUNTENANCE WHEN WOKEN WILL BE OBLIGED WITH BLOCKED SINUSES, ALSO A STALE BREATH, WITH A DRY SALIVA OF THE INNER MOTH!.