PICKWICK TYMES

NOVEMBER A.D. 2007

OLDE HUMPHREY'S OBSERVATIONS

IN WARTIME ONE IMAGINES, OR HOPES FOR AN INCREDIBLE WEAPON OR LUCK OF SEEING NEW AND STARTLING IDEAS, BUT KNOWING ONE'S DUTY IS NOT TO PRY OF WHICH MUST BE TOP SECRET, THAT WAS WHY IN A.D. 1941 I OBSERVED AN AEROPLANE VAULTING OVER HEAD WITH NO PROPELLERS; WE SUSPECTED WHAT WE HEARD 'JET PROPULSION', WE ENTHUSED, IT MAY WIN THE WAR!.

TO FRANK WHITTLE THAT DAY IN A.D. 1941, WHEN THE FIRST BRITISH JET PLANE FLEW INTO THE AIR OVER CRANWELL R.A.F. COLLEGE, WAS A LONG TIME COMING, HE HAD BEEN A CADET AT CRANWELL WITH ME AND A HOST OF OTHER NOW WELL KNOWN PILOTS IN A.D. 1923, WHITTLE WAS ALWAYS TEASING US ABOUT A NEW IDEA OF PROPULSION, CONVINCED THE PISTON ENGINE IS DOOMED, FOR ONE THING HE PREACHED TO US "AT HIGH ALTITUDES THE AIR BEING SO THIN OF SUBSTANCE A PROPELLER HAS NOTHING TO BITE ON" AND THERE FORE SPEEDS WERE LIMITED.

WHITTLE THOUGHT IN TERMS OF JET PROPULSION, THE PLANE DRIVEN FORWARD BY THE DIRECT THRUST OF IGNITED GASES, SIMPLICITY WITH TERRIFIC POWER, EFFICIENCY IN THIN AIR AT HIGH ALTITUDES, THE FASTEST PLANE IN A.D. 1923 WAS 150 m.p.h.; HE WROTE A PAPER "FUTURE DEVELOPMENTS IN AIRCRAFT FLIGHT", FORECASTING SPEEDS TREBLE OF WHAT WAS NOW OBTAINED, HAVING EXPLAINED IN DEPTH TO THE AIR MINISTRY, THEY ARGUED WE ACCEPT IN PRINCIPAL, BUT WHERE ARE THE METALS TO WITHSTAND THESE STRESSFUL TEMPERATURES ON THE ENGINE.

WHITTLE NOT DISMAYED PATENTED HIS DESIGN IN A.D. 1930, THEN WITH A LAPSE OF FRUSTRATION, WORDS BUT NO BACKING FROM PARLIAMENT, A GROUP OF FRIENDS PUT THE MONEY UP TO FORM A COMPANY CALLED 'POWER JETS LIMITED', THIS WAS A TIMELY GESTURE FOR THIS INVENTION WAS ON ITS WAY TO AMERICA, AFTER A FURTHER NINE YEARS OF TREPIDATION THE AIR MINISTRY FINALLY TOOK THE PLUNGE ORDERING A FLYING JET, TO BE BUILT IN A.D. 1939.

IT WAS NOT UNTIL MAY 15th A.D. 1941 THAT THE GLOSTER WHITTLE E28/39 JET, THRUST ITSELF UP INTO THE AIR OVER CRANWELL.

THE JET WAS HERE TO STAY, TOO LATE TO PLAY A MORE SUBSTANTIAL ROLE IN THE WAR, DUE TO THE SAME REASONS WHICH APPERTAINED TO THE INHERENT SHORTFALL OF OTHER MUNITIONS, THIS WAS PARLIAMENTS LEGACY OF INERTIA!.

A LESSON FROM HISTORY

THE CALL WE HEAR OFTEN TODAY IS THE GLOBAL ECONOMY, GLOBAL VILLAGE ETC; THIS ALL TRANSPIRED BEFORE TO THE ROMAN EMPIRE, THE MODERN EULOGY OF THE 'SERVICE INDUSTRIES', THIS IN REALITY MEANS 'A NEW SERVANT CLASS', NOW DEAR READER, READ ON PERUSE, INDULGE YOUR WITS SEE THE FUTURE BY OBSERVING THE PAST.

AMONG ALL THESE EVIDENCES OF MATERIAL WELL BEING, THESE WERE SIGNS TO CATCH THE WATCHFUL EYE, ROME THE QUEEN OF CITIES CLOTHED HERSELF IN POMP AND SPLENDOUR; STATELY VILLAS, PARKS, PLEASURE GROUNDS, THE ROMAN WAS MADE IDLE, IMMORAL ENERGY AND IN NATURAL PRODUCE, THE ROMAN FAMILY DISINTEGRATING WITH INFANTICIDE IN PRACTICE OF THE UNBORN, THE SO CALLED BARBARIANS WERE APPALLED AT THIS PRACTICE. THE GROWING DEPOPULATION OF THE PROVINCIAL COUNTRYSIDE OF FREE ROMANS OR 'YEOMAN FARMERS' WAS WOEFUL, AS EARLY AS POLYBIUS IT WAS OBSERVED ROME COULD NO LONGER SUPPLY THE LEGIONS WITH ROMANS, LIVY SPEAKS OF WONDER WHAT ROME'S LEGIONS WERE IN THE PUNIC WARS, LIVY COMPLAINED IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS, THE FARMS WERE OCCUPIED BY FREE STOUT ROMANS, HARDY WARRIORS, ALSO OF THE FIFTY TOWNS WHICH HAD FADED AWAY IN LATINUM WITH NO TRACE. THE ROMANS THAT HAD BEEN CLEARED FROM THE COUNTRYSIDE WERE REPLACED BY SLAVES, ONLY TWO OPTIONS PRESENTED THEMSELVES EITHER THE ARMY OR CIVIL SERVICE, AND THE MOB IN ROME, THE DOLUS OF CORN WAS DISTRIBUTED, ALSO THE GLADIATORIAL GAMES OF SPLENDOUR WITH ITS INTRINSIC CRUELTY TO NONE ROMANS, THUS ROME'S POPULATION WAS TOO INDOLENT TO SERVE, BUT NOT ASHAMED TO RECEIVE THE CHARITY OF THE ROMAN STATE.

THE VETERANS OF THE LEGIONS WHO WERE GIFTED LAND IN THE REGIONS PACIFIED WERE NOT CONTENT PRODUCING CROPS OF LOW ESTEEM, SELLING THIS LAND TO THE SPECULATORS, WHO MOULDED THEM IN TO VAST ESTATES. THE VETERANS SWELLED THE MOB OF ROME WHO DEMANDED THAT ROME SERVE THEM, NOT THEY SERVE ROME, IN THE PASSAGE OF ONE GENERATION, PROFLIGACY, AND CRIME, POLYBIUS NOTED THE PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF FOREIGN CUSTOMS THAT WERE INDOCTRINATING THEIR YOUTH, THE RAPID CHANGES BROKE DOWN THE MORAL SAFEGUARDS OF THE PAST AND GAVE FREE VENT TO MORBID APPETITES, THE SPREAD OF EASE DISCOURAGED HONEST ENDEAVOUR, WEAKENED HARDIHOOD, ALL ITALY WAS TRANSPOSED INTO A PLAY GROUND WITH MANSIONS, DEER PARKS, FISH FARMS AND SCHOOLS OF GLADIATORS, THESE SUPPLIED THE LUXURIES FOR THE WEALTHY OF ROME, THIS UNPRODUCTIVE CAPITAL WHICH MAY HAVE MAINTAINED MULTITUDES OF ARTISTS AND CRAFTSMEN, THE RICHES OF THE WORLD FLOODED INTO ROME, WITH LITTLE BENEFIT TO THE POPULACE THUS HUGE SUMS FLOWED OUT TO PAY FOR MUNDANE PRODUCTS AND FOOD. THUS IN THREE OR FOUR GENERATIONS, NO ROMAN WOULD 'JOIN SERVICE WITH THE LEGIONS', SEEING FREED SLAVES IN GOVERNMENT OWNING PROPERTY, THE ROMAN SOUL WAS OVERWHELMED BY RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION, THE MOB IN ROME ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS KILLING THOUSANDS OF SLAVES OR FREED, IN JEALOUS TEMPER, THE ROMAN EYE WAS MUTED BY WHAT IT SAW ITS MOTTO BEING,

'WE CAN NOT WORK'
'WE CAN NOT FIGHT'
'WE CAN ONLY PLAY'

BEING SPECTATORS OF GREAT WEALTH, BUT HAVING NONE THEMSELVES, INDULGED BY THE ROMAN HIERARCHY TO THE CHARITY OF FREE FOOD, WITH SQUALID ACCOMMODATION, AS NO PLEBEIAN ROMAN COULD AFFORD A HOUSE TO LIVE IN, TURNING TO FOREIGN DEITIES WHICH DEBASED ROMAN CUSTOM, PECULIAR FASHIONS WERE THE 'STEALTH OF SOCIETY' WHERE EDUCATION WAS DEBASED FOR THE GENERAL POPULACE WHO HAD NO CHALLENGE FOR THEIR WITS BUT JUVENILE QUEST OF PLEASURE, THUS TAXES INCREASED ON THE SMALL INDEPENDENT ARTISAN OR CRAFTSMAN TO PAY FOR THE HUGE OUT FLOW OF MONIES OUT OF THE ROMAN ECONOMY.

IDENTITY WAS BEING LOST, WITH THIS LOYALTY, THE STATE SEE-SAWED TO DISASTER, WITH THE EMPIRE BEING SPLIT IN TWO, EAST AND WEST.

PROLOGUE

TRANSPOSED TO THE MODERN AGE OUR SOCIETY IS DRIFTING IN THE SAME DIRECTION AS PREVIOUSLY DESCRIBED, ECONOMICALLY BRITAIN'S TRADE DEFICIENT IS AROUND £80,000,000 A DAY, WITH MUNDANE GOODS BEING IMPORTED; INDIGENOUS INDUSTRY HAS TWO OPTIONS TO SURVIVE THE 'GLOBAL ECONOMY' [CHEAPER GOODS FROM ABROAD] TO REDUCE COSTS i.e. SALARIES WILL HAVE TO BE ON A MONETARY RATE OF CHINA i.e. ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, THE CHINESE MONTHLY WAGE EQUATES TO OUR MINIMUM WAGE PER MONTH IN THIS COUNTRY.

THE FUTURE FOR PROPERTY OWNING AS TRANSPIRED IN ROME, WILL BE; THE SAID PERSON OR PERSONS WORKING FOR A MINIMUM WAGE RATE, WILL NOT GENERATE SUFFICIENT INCOME TO OWN A RESIDENCE; NATIONAL AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES ARE NOT INVOLVED IN THE GLOBAL MARKET, WHO STAND ASIDE FROM THIS RESTRICTION ON INCOME! BEING PAID BY INDIGENOUS TAXES LEVIED ON A STRATA OF SOCIETY, WHO INCREASINGLY ARE NOT ABLE TO PAY.

THE GOVERNMENT OF THE DAY 'AS IN ROME' DECIDED TO PAY ITSELF i.e. 'RATE REBATE' THUS AS IN ROME, PUBLIC LIBRARY'S WERE PROVIDED, BUT GROWING SECTIONS OF SOCIETY COULD NOT READ OR WRITE.

LORD WOLSELEY IN A.D. 1903 MADE AN ASTONISHING AND CHILLING PREDICTION. THE CHINESE HE SAID ARE A REMARKABLE RACE ON THIS EARTH, AND I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT AND STILL BELIEVE THEM TO BE THE COMING RULERS OF THE WORLD, THEY ONLY NEED A 'PETER THE GREAT OR NAPOLEON' TO MAKE THEM SO, AND IN MY IDLE SPECULATION UPON THIS WORLDS FUTURE I HAVE LONG SELECTED THEM AS THE COMBATANTS ON ONE SIDE OF THE GREAT BATTLE 'ARMAGEDDON', THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BEING THEIR OPPONENTS; THE LATTER NATION IS FAST BECOMING THE GREATEST POWER OF THE WORLD, THANK HEAVEN THEY SPEAK ENGLISH, ARE GOVERNED BY AN ENGLISH SYSTEM OF LAWS, AND PROFESS THE SAME REGARD THAT WE HAVE FOR WHAT BOTH UNDERSTAND BY FAIR PLAY IN ALL NATIONAL AS WELL AS IN PRIVATE BUSINESS.

ROBIN THE VENATOR

I THOUGHT OUR READERS WOULD ENJOY A FEW BALLADS ABOUT ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRY MEN, I HAVE COLLECTED ALL THE BOOKS I COULD FIND AND STORIES FROM THE OLDEST BALLADS, I HAVE READ THIRTY EIGHT, THE EARLIEST KNOWN PRINTED VERSION "AS FAR AS ANYBODY KNOWS", IS TO BE SEEN IN CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY, I WENT TO LOOK AT IT, IT WAS PUBLISHED ABOUT A.D. 1495 BY AN APPRENTICE OF CAXTON'S, BY ROBERT COPLAND, I HAVE SEEN THIS ONE IN THE BRITISH MUSEUM, AND AGAIN IT IS BELIEVED TO BE THE ONLY COPY.

THE ORIGINS OF ROBIN HOOD HAVE BEEN JAUNDICED BY ACADEMICS AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO ADVENTURE OR ROMANCE; BUT SEEK CAST IRON EVIDENCE TO GIVE CREDENCE TO THESE ROMANCES, "CAN YOU SEE THE WIND?" BUT ONE CAN FEEL IT!, LET US BANISH THEM, THE PEOPLE OF NO IMAGINATION.

BY THE TIME OF EDWARD 11, ROBIN HOOD WAS NOT AN UNPOPULAR NAME; BY THE WAR OF THE ROSES MAY DAY WAS KNOWN AS ROBIN HOODS FESTIVAL WITH MEN DRESSING AS ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, FRIAR TUCK AND MAID MARION THE MAY QUEEN, WITH PROCESSIONS AND ARCHERY TOURNAMENTS, SHAKESPEARE MENTIONS HIM IN "AS YOU LIKE IT" SAYING ROBIN AND HIS MERRY MEN LIVE IN THE FOREST OF ARDEN; BUT DEAR READER PLEASE REMEMBER THE WATTLE HUT, THE SHEPHERD WHO BY ONLY THE LIGHT OF THEIR LOG FIRE, THESE TALES GAVE SALVATION AND HOPE, ALSO JOY; BEING IN NATURE VERY SIMILAR TO THE TABLOID HEADLINES OF TODAY WHICH GAVE A CLEAR CONCLUSION OF THE EVENTS PORTRAYED, ROBIN WAS GIVEN PEDIGREE LATER, IT BEING SAID, HE WAS FROM THE LINE OF ROBERT FITZ-OATH, EARL OF HUNTINGTON AND THAT MAID MARION WAS FROM "MATILDA" DAUGHTER OF EARL FITZWALTER, BUT WITH RED FACES, AND SANDY HAIR, GREENWOOD IN THEIR VEINS THEY WERE SAXON THROUGH AND THROUGH NOT NORMAN DOGMATIC, BUT ENOUGH, DO NOT BE IMPATIENT, FOR NOW WE TAKE OUR ADVENTURE INTO ENGLAND OF GREEN SHAW AND WOODLAND OF VENISON AND ALE; BE THOU DESCENDED FROM THIS RACE OF ENGLAND; LEOFRIC, EDMUND, GODWIN, HAROLD, OF THE HOUSECARLS OF SENLAC HILL; MANY A LUSTY DEED, THUS AS A CHILD ROBIN WAS ENTRUSTED WITH HIS MENTORS TALES OF LONG AGO, HIS FATHER WHO'S EYES GLOWED WHEN CITING; YOUR ANCESTOR STOOD AT HAROLD'S SIDE WITH HIS BROWN BILL (BATTLE AXE) SLAYING THE NORMAN NIDERING (SAXON-LOWEST OF THE LOW) AS IF "LEVIN FIRE" (LIGHTNING), ROBIN'S MOTHER WAS NOT AS SUPPOSED, SHE WAS ADORNED IN SENDAL (SMOOTH CLOTH) THEY LIVED IN A GRANGE (OLD SAXON-FARMHOUSE); SHE WAS PERT AND SHARP BUT PRONE TO WEAR A WIMPLE (VEIL) IN SUMMER OR WAS FOWL OF THE MONTH OF JUNE, (HAY FEVER).

MY MOTHER'S BROTHER CEDRIC TAUGHT ME MY ARCHERY AND VENERY (HUNTING) IT WAS SAID HE WAS A FRANKLIN (SAXON GENTLEMAN) BUT DEPOSED OF HIS LAND, HE REMINDED ME WITH HIS CLOUT WHICH WAS WRONG OR POOR, SIZZLE THY FINGER IN BRINE, NEITHER TAKE THE WOOD FOR YOUR STAVE FROM THE YEW LEST IT BE FROM THE NORTHWEST SIDE WHERE ITS BLOOD TO GROW IS HELD, THE EAST SIDE BEING DRIED MANY A YEAR BY THE RISING SUN.

I WON MY FIRST CONTEST, THE PRIZE BEING A MANCUS (SAXON -2s.6d)THE NORMAN NIDERLING CARED NOT MUCH FOR THE ENGLISH HOUSECARL OR NOBILITY TRAMPLING THEM INTO THE MUD, NEITHER RACE OR CREED EXTERMINATE THEM - = THEY ARE GONE.

DEAR READER, THIS INTRODUCTION TO ROBIN HOODS HISTORY, ALSO THE STYLE OF PROSE, I HAVE GIVEN THE MEANING OF OLD ENGLISH WORDS SO IF IN FUTURE YOU MAY WISH TO READ SHAKESPEARE, CHAUCER, BECAUSE OF MY EXPERIENCE THE GIST MAYBE LOST IN THIS ANCIENT JIG SAW OF WORDS.

QUEBRACHO

THE TEMERITY OF THIS TREE OF SOUTH AMERICA, BEING DIVERSE OF NATURE, PRESENTS ITSELF OF THREE TREES, TWO BEING VARIETIES OF ASPIDOSPERMA QUERACHO, THE OTHER BEING OF THE OLEANDER FAMILY (APOCYNCEAE) AND ONE, SCHINOPSIS LORRENTZII, OF THE PISTACHIO FAMILY (ANACHARDIACEAE). THE NATIVES AS THE NAME SUGGESTS "AXE BREAKER", THE WHITE QUESBRACHO IS A MOST RAVENOUS TREE GROWING TO A HEIGHT TO CRANK ONE'S NECK, BEING DISPOSED TO AN EVERGREEN TAKING ITS RESIDENCE IN NORTHERN ARGENTINA, AND PARAGUAY, ALSO THE GRAN-CHACO OF BRAZIL.

IT HAS A WHITISH, ERECT TRUNK AND THIN DECUMBENT BRANCHES, THE LEAVES, USUALLY IN THREES, ARE OBLONG, SHINY, WITH A LEATHERY TEXTURE; THE FLOWERS ARE TUBULAR AND ARE CARRIED IN AUXILIARY CYMES, THE ARK IS MOST ILLUSTRIOUS IN ITS BENEFIT CONTAINING SEVERAL ALKALOIDS, OF WHICH THE MOST IMPORTANT ARE "QUEBRACHINE" AND 'ASPODOSPERMINE', WHICH AN EXTRACT IS USED IN PHARMACY TO ALLEVIATE RESPIRATORY MALFUNCTION IN CARDIAC AND PULMONARY DISEASES.

THE NATIVES USE WITH GREAT CEREMONY THE WHITE BARK AS A TONIC AND FEBRIFUGE, THE LEAVES BEING RICH IN TANNING FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF LEATHER, THE RED QUEBRACHO (S.LORGOZII) IS ENDOWED WITH A RED BROWN HARD WOOD, RICH IN TANNING WHICH THE MOST FASTIDIOUS NATIVE WITH EVERY FIVE LOGS ONE GALLON OF EXTRACT IS PRESENTED BY THESE VERY GENEROUS TREES.
FLORA McDONALD

THE GREAT TRACT OF MOORELAND KNOWN AS CULLODEN MOOR WAS SILENT NOW, THE GUNS THAT HAD BELCHED FIRE AND DESTRUCTION STOOD ABANDONED AND A THOUSAND HIGHLANDERS DEAD, LAY AMONGST THE LITTER OF A BATTLE THAT HAD ENDED IN THE DEFEAT OF EDWARD CHARLES THE YOUNG PRETENDER; THE HIGHLAND CLANS WERE SCATTERED; A RACE OF MEN WHO YEARNED THE WARRIOR'S VALOUR, DECIMATED BY MODERN TACTICS OF COLD DISCIPLINE AND INSENSITIVE BULLETS WHICH ONLY SOUGHT DEATH NOT GLORY.

IT WAS THE DAY OF APRIL 16th A.D. 1746 THE DREAM OF OCCUPYING THE THRONE OF BRITAIN; VANISHED IN THE SMOKE OF BATTLE.

FLEEING FOR HIS LIFE, THE YOUNG PRETENDER HAD LITTLE TIME TO THINK BACK ON THOSE GLORIOUS MONTHS WHEN HE AND HIS HIGHLANDERS CAPTURED EDINBURGH, MARCHING TO DERBY AND THEN RETURNING BACK TO SCOTLAND, £25.000 (ABOUT £4,000.000 IN TODAY'S MONEY). REWARD FOR INFORMATION OF THE PRETENDERS WHEREABOUTS AND CAPTURE WAS OFFERED.

THE NEWS OF THE DISASTER OF CULLODEN PROCEEDED HIM, HE WAS ASSURED STILL OF HELP FROM THE HIGHLAND CLANS, THE YOUNG PRETENDER ARRIVED ON BENBECULA WITH HIS COMPANION CAPTAIN O'NEIL.

HEARING THAT FLORA WAS VISITING RELATIVES, KNOWING THAT SHE WAS A JACOBITE SYMPATHIZER; CAPTAIN O'NEIL APPROACHED HER WITH A PLAN TO GET THE PRINCE TO SKYE, FLORA SAID THAT IT IS VERY HARD TO OBTAIN A PASS TO LEAVE THE ISLAND, EXCEPT WITH SPECIAL PERMISSION, O'NEIL SUGGESTED THAT SHE WAS VISITING HER MOTHER, WITH HER SPINNING MAID, BETTY BURKE, WHO WILL OF COURSE BE THE PRINCE. FLORA McDONALD WAS PENSIVE FOR A MOMENT, 'SAILING IT IS TRUE I COULD GET PERMISSION TO VISIT MY MOTHER'. MY STEPFATHER IS IN CHARGE OF THE LOCAL MILITIA. THE CAPTAIN WAS ANXIOUS FOR A MOMENT UNTIL FLORA AGREED.

IN THE CLOSING OF THE DAY JUNE 27th THE PARTY SET OUT FOR SKYE WITH A CREW OF SIX TRUSTED MEN, THE BOAT GLIDING OVER THE WATERS OF THE MINCH, RELAXED THEY APPROACHED SKYE WITH OPTIMISM, ABOUT TO LAND, BUT WERE GREETED BY A SHOWER OF BULLETS FROM A PARTY OF MILITIA, WHO OBVIOUSLY TRUSTED IN SHOOTING FIRST, WITH QUESTIONS LATER, DIGGING OARS INTO THE WATERS, MAKING WAY FOR KILBRIDE, BULLETS STILL WHISTLING AFTER THEM THEY DISAPPEARED INTO THE DARKNESS AS IF PHANTOMS FROM ANOTHER TIME, LANDING AT KILBRIDE IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING, ACHING, DROWSY AND WET, THE PRETENDER RESTING IN A CAVE ALL DAY AND NIGHT, THE NEXT DAY TO PORTREE, WHERE FLORA ARRANGED THE PRINCES ESCAPE TO ROTHESAY, BEFORE SAYING FAREWELL TO FLORA, THE PRINCE GAVE HER A GOLD LOCKET.

FLORA RETURNED TO BENBECULA LEARNING THAT THE BOATMEN HAD DIVULGED THE WHOLE STORY TO THE CAPTAIN OF THE MILITIA, FLORA WITH HER STEPFATHERS HELP COULD HAVE EVADED CAPTURE GOING TO THE MOUNTAINS, BUT SHE SAID NO, SURRENDERING HERSELF TO THE AUTHORITIES, WHO SURPRISINGLY TREATED HER WITH COURTESY, SHE BEING ALLOWED TO SEE HER MOTHER IN SKYE, BEFORE BEING TAKEN TO THE 'TOWER OF LONDON', WHERE SHE WAS IMPRISONED, LATER TRANSPORTED TO NORTH CAROLINA, THE ENGLISH COLONIES OF NORTH AMERICA, WHERE SHE LATER MARRIED, FINALLY RETURNING TO SCOTLAND, AND DYING ON MARCH 5th A.D. 1790 AT KINGSBURGH.

SUMMARY

IT WAS SAID FOR A SHORT WHILE THE PRINCE AND FLORA WHERE AMORED TO EACH OTHER, BUT WHEN ASKED, FLORA SAID HE WAS IN DISTRESS AND I HELPED.

IT WAS SAID THAT FLORA'S STEPFATHER WITH ALSO THE BOATMEN OF BENBECULA DID STRIVE TO EARN THE £25.000 REWARD, BUT WERE NOT SUCCESSFUL.

THE PRINCE WAS NEVER TO RETURN TO SCOTLAND ONLY TO WASTE HIS LIFE IN EXILE WITH NO MERIT.

FLORA BEING A LADY, THE SAID CAPTAIN WHO ISSUED THE WRIT FOR HER TO VISIT SKYE, TOOK HER AT HER WORD AND DID NOT INVESTIGATE HER HANDMAID, WHO WAS BONNY PRINCE CHARLIE.

THE RED SOCK LEAGUE

IN DAYS OF YORE, BEFORE COLOUR TELEVISION, EVERY ARCHER WAS A MEMBER OF THE LEAGUE, AS ORDAINED BY "PENDA", LAST PAGAN KING OF MERCIA, THEREFORE KING ARTHUR (OLD CLEFT EYE) WAS STEWARD, AND LANCELOT (OLD TWISTED LIP) WAS RABID MEMBER. A CERTAIN LADY (BIG G!) CAME ONTO THE SCENE AND SOON THE TWO BATS OF DECEIT AND DECEPTION RAISED THEIR UGLY HEADS, ARTHUR AND LANCELOT WERE EXPELLED FROM THE LEAGUE BY THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE WHO ALSO CONFISCATED THEIR RED SOCKS - THEY SLIPPED AWAY INTO HISTORY MISERABLY.

KING HAROLD (OLD STIFF-NECK) REFUSED THE LEAGUE COMPANY STATUS (ENTITLING THEM TO WASH THEIR RED SOCKS ON THE THAMES EMBANKMENT). THE KING WAS SOON TO MEET THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE AND AT HASTINGS HE SOON SAW THE POINT!

WILLIAM RUFUS (OLD SQUEAKY NOSTRILS) WAS LEAGUE TREASURER (OR 'BUMMER', OLDE ENGLISH FOR BAILIFF, HENCE THE TERM 'BUM'). HE ALSO BASHED ANYONE WITH MORE MONEY THAN HIMSELF; THIS GAME OF REDEPLOYMENT OF WEALTH WAS A HEAVY LABOUR, AND HE CALLED UPON FELLOW MEMBERS OF THE LEAGUE TO HELP, WHO, BY THE WAY, RELISHED THE JOB, FILLING THEIR SOCKS (HENCE THE TERM "IN THE RED"). RUFUS WAS FOUND OUT, AND TO CUT A SHORT STORY LONGER THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE WAS CALLED ON. HE LURED RUFUS TO A SACRED RED SOCK SITE IN THE NEW FOREST AND DULY CAME HIS "UP-TUPPENCE".

RICHARD (OLD BLACK FINGERNAIL) WAS THE STITCHER OF THE LEAGUE, AND STITCHED SO MUCH THAT A HUMP APPEARED ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER, WHICH WAS VERY ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY AT DINNER, THE WAITERS ALWAYS KNOCKED A PLATTER AGAINST HIS HUMP, HENCE THE OLD SAYING "HUMP THE PLATTER" "PLATTER THE HUMP" "WHEN THE HUMP IN PLATTERED" "PASS THE PLATTER WITH THE HUMP". RICHARD WAS NOT HAPPY AND RESIGNED FROM THE LEAGUE, BEING STITCHED UP ALL THE WHILE! TAKING RED SOCKS AND ALL! WHO SHOULD BE WAITING AT BOSWORTH? YES, NONE OTHER THAN THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE WITH STANLEY (OLD HUMP STABBER). RICHARD WAS DULY CHASED FROM THE FIELD.
RICHARD'S PLIGHT WAS THAT HE COULD NOT GRIP HIS STIRRUPS (NO RED SOCKS IN HIS BOOTS) AND AS HE FELL, EXCLAIMED:-

"FOR THE WANT OF MY RED SOCKS MY BOOTS WERE LOST
FOR THE WANT OF A SHOE MY HORSE WAS LOST
FOR THE WANT OF MY HORSE MY KINGDOM WAS LOST".

CHARLES BROUGHT TO EVERYONE'S ATTENTION THE USE OF RED SOCKS OR STOCKINGS; THE LEAGUE WAS NOT HAPPY, ITS HEAD STRETCHER OF RED SOCKS, OLIVER WAS ADAMANT: "THIS MEMBER MUST GO". CHARLES IGNORED THESE PROTESTS AND CONTINUED TO PROMOTE THEM, NAY, MAKE THEM THE HEIGHT OF FASHION. THIS COULD NOT GO ON - THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE APPEARED AND AFTER ONE OR TWO LIVELY DISAGREEMENTS SOON BROUGHT CHARLES TO HEEL!. THE LEAGUE GAVE CHARLES THE CHOICE OF EXECUTION OR STRETCHING BY RED SOCKS; CHARLES CHOSE EXECUTION.

GEORGE (OLD TWINKLE TOES) DEMANDED THAT HIS RED SOCKS BE PINK, BUT HIS HEAD DYER, WILLIAM, THOUGHT THIS WAS THE PITTS. HE DIRECTED THE LEAGUE MEMBERS OF THE FIRST ENGLISH EMPIRE (NORTH AMERICA) TO DIVERT THE KING'S ATTENTION ELSEWHERE. GEORGE RETALIATED BY PUTTING A TAX ON TEA. Ha-ha. GENERAL WOLFE, LEAGUE MEMBER, WON THE DAY, BUT AT GREAT COST TO THE ENGLISH EXCHEQUER. NOW, GOVERNORS, AS WE ALL KNOW, HAVE WAYS AND MEANS OF BALANCING THE BOOKS, AND PASSED THE COST ONTO THE THIRTEEN ENGLISH COLONIES IN THE SOUTH, WHOSE LEADERS APPEALED TO FELLOW LEAGUE MEMBERS FOR ASSISTANCE. THE REST IS HISTORY-THE DREADED BLUE CARBUNCKLE SURROUNDED GEORGE WITH RED SOCKS AND HE WENT MAD WITH RAGE!

SO, DEAR READERS, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO APPLY FOR MEMBERSHIP OF THE LEAGUE, A CERTIFICATE IS BEING DESIGNED, THE FORFEIT BEING ONE GUINEA, PAYABLE TO THE BLUE CARBUNCKLE.

TANTALUS

I TRUST WHEN HAVING READ THIS EPISTLE YOU ALSO WILL FEEL REMORSE FOR HIS PLIGHT; "TANTALIZE" CAME FROM THE LEGEND OF TANTAZUS, HE BEING A LYDIAN KING, SON OF ZEUS AND PLUTO, BEING CONDEMNED FOR REVEALING THEIR SECRETS TO MORTAL MAN.

THE RIVER HADES WAS HIS NEW KINGDOM, PUNISHMENT BY THE GODS, TO STAND UP TO HIS NECK IN WATER; ABOVE HIS HEAD HUNG THE BRANCHES OF A TREE LADEN WITH FRUIT; EVERY TIME HE WISHED TO DRINK, THE WATERS RECEDED FROM HIM; WHEN HUNGRY HE REACHED FOR THE FRUIT, THE WIND MOVED THE BRANCHES AWAY, i.e. TANTALIZING!